There is no doubt that marijuana affects different people in different ways. For me, smoking weed would definitely lower my sense of self-esteem.
I used to feel great while I was smoking it – at first. But, as my smoking habit increased, I found it harder and harder to speak to other people while I was stoned.
Lack of self-esteem in certain situations
I’d say to myself, “oh, I can’t get on with these people because they’re not my type”. But I was kidding myself.
This didn’t seem much at first. You go through life and people travel through it with you. Some stay for all of your life and some for only a short time. But then, I started to realise that I had jettisoned quite a few good friends who weren’t smokers and most of the people I was spending time with were smokers.
When I was with other people (non-smokers) I was always worrying about what they thought about me.
- “Did he look at me in a funny way?”
- “What does she think of me?”
- “Those people didn’t seem to want to be with me!”
These and other thoughts would crowd my mind causing me to seek further refuge with other weed smokers who, I thought, shared my world view.
The opposite of sex
This situation was made worse when I interacted with the opposite sex. I was useless at talking to girls.
First of all, if I had been smoking I’d be anxious talking to people anyway. That was bad enough. Women want to talk to a guy who’s nice and relaxed.
Then if I did get talking to someone I was attracted to and it didn’t go well, I would become more anxious and things would get worse. But, even more worrying, if I was talking to someone who did seem to like me, it would also cause me to become more anxious and it would never lead to anything!
Problems in life
Lots of people will judge you. Everybody has disagreements. And bad things happen.
When you’re already isolated and when you’ve already built your cocoon, you are less able to cope with hard times when disaster strikes.
You are more likely to develop a sense of persecution as you have less of a support structure than you would have if you hadn’t closed yourself off so much.
That’s what happened to me. I cursed my luck and raged against the world for putting me in this bad place.
The funny thing was, it wasn’t the world that put me there. It was me!
This was the weed causing paranoia which made me want to isolate myself against the outside world. This is never a good option. We are all part of the outside world. The two things are indistinguishable.
It wasn’t until I stopped smoking weed regularly that I could see clearly how much my life had been affected by it.